You dive into the mulch until you are completely covered and out of sight.

    Poppy comes back with his hoe, but can't seem to find you anywhere.

    "Bastard," says Poppy.

    He beats the mulch pile for a while, just to get out his anger.

    <<whump!  whump!  whump!  whump!  whump!>>

    Fortunately, you're deep enough so that his beatings do not rupture your skin.

    You decide to stay buried for the remainder of the day -- or at least until you can remember why it is that Poppy is trying to beat the bajeezus out of you.

    It gets dark outside, and you're still buried in mulch.

    You hear the voices of Sarah and Noam approaching.

    "So," says Noam.  "Now that Toomey's off at college in Colorado, I get to do the Sarah-bonking around here, right?"

    "I don't know," says Sarah.  "I'm still pretty broken up about Mike...  let's shmoke some inubrius and I'll think it over."

    "She gonna think it ovah!" shouts Noam.

    They walk across Poppy's freshly planted vegetables and stop at a patch of home-grown mary jane.

    They bend over and start collecting.

    Just then you involuntarily fart loudly for eight seconds.

    "What the fuck?" says Noam.  "Was that an alarm?"

    "No..." says Sarah.  "Alarm's don't have that kind of butt-stank."

    "Skunk, you think?" asks Noam.

    "Oh, no..." says Sarah.  "Worse..."

    You're trying to remain quiet, but suddenly a clump of mulch rolls off your head, and rustles.

    "Brad!" shouts Sarah pointing to you.  "I knew it was you.  Out here trying to snatch my weed again, hunh?  C'mon, Noam, let's kick his ass."

    "But... he's my dad," says Noam.

    "Do it!" shouts Sarah.  "Or no bonkage for Noam..."

    ...

    Noam comes to visit you in the hospital.

    "Sorry, Dad," he says.  "I hated to--"

    "No, no, son," you interrupt him.  "You did the right thing."

    "Really?" says Noam.

    "Noam, I'd beat myself silly to get a piece of ass half as fine as Sarah's."

    "You're cool, Dad," says Noam.  "But Sarah never actually put out.  In fact, I accidentally knocked over her Toomey shrine and she kicked my nads and threw me out the porch window."

    "Like father like son," you muse.
 

The End

You have died.

Your final score is:
17

Start again in normal mode.

Start again in hard mode.