Merv's on all the speed dial numbers, so it doesn't matter what button you hit.

    <<Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrring.>>

    <<Merv.>>

    "Merv.  Brad.  I got a situation here.  Small Greek boy down.  Need some back-up, pronto."

    <<You check his vitals?>>

    "Hold on..."

    You check Miton's vitals.

    "Breathing, no pulse."

    <<I'll be right there.>>

    No sooner do you hang up than Merv opens the basement door.

    "Where's the boy?"

    You point to Milton's limp body on the basement floor.

    "OK," says Merv, kneeling down next to Milton.  "Now... you sure he's Greek?"

    "Merv, it's Milton!"

    "I know it's Milton!  But is he pure blood Greek?  Macedonian?  Cretian?  This is important!"

    "I don't know!"

    "Go!  Go find out!"

    You run out of the basement toward the Sharon House of Pizza.

    A few minutes later you burst in the door of the resturant and rush the counter, pushing customers aside.

    "Where are you people from?!" you shout at the man behind the counter.  "Half-Greeks?!  Massadoona?  What?!  Tell me!"

    Two of the staff behind the counter start shouting things at you in Greek and making eloborate hand gestures in your direction.

    "What's your ancestry?  C'mon, this is important!"

    The burlier of the two counter workers walks over, lifts you up, and throws you onto the sidewalk.

    You get back on your feet.

    You're about to run back inside when, through the store window, you notice a map on the wall inside the store.

    Athens!

    You run all the way back to Poppy's house.

    "Athens!  Athens!" you shout as you enter through the basement door, almost out of breath.

    "What?" says Merv.

    He and Milton are sitting on the basement floor playing cards.

    "He's from Athens!" you shout.

    "Oh," says Merv.  "That's cool."

    "How..." you say, still panting, "how'd you save him?"

    "Jaws of life," says Merv with a smile and a wink.

    "Oh," you say.  "So why'd you need to know his homeland?"

    "Oh, that..." says Merv.  "At first I thought he was a gonner.  Just wanted to know where to send the body."

    "Um, oh," you say.

    You sit down and join in the next round.

    Merv is a master of Go Fish, but when the game switches over to Slap Jack, you hold your own.

    About two hours later, in the middle of a game of Crazy Eights, Milton passes out.

    "He's from Athens!" you shout.

    "Marty," says Merv.  "Don't worry about it.  He just needs some rest."

    "Oh."

    "Besides," says Merv, "now we can have some fun."

    Merv gets a mischevious look in his eye.  You smile.

    The two of you go up to the kitchen and a few minutes later go back downstairs.

    You place Milton's fingers in a bowl of warm water.

    Instantly he starts peeing all over himself.

    "Ha-ha-ha!" you and Merv are really cracking up.

    Then you take away the bowl of water and replace it with a bowl of hot chocolate.

    Within minutes little Milty is releasing diarrhea all over his shorts.

    This is too much.  The two of you are rolling over with laughter.

    But the best is yet to come.

    You and Merv put Milton in the fetal position and put him inside an empty trash bag.

    You carry him upstairs and across the house.

    "Where you bringing that trash?" asks Poppy as you pass through the dining room.

    "Uh," you say.  "Just gonna go put some junk from the, uh, bathroom in here."

    "Oh," says Poppy.

    You and Merv carry Milty upstairs.

    At the top of the stairs, Junior the cat swipes at you from the banister.  You dodge the swipe, but you lose your grip on the trash bag, and it goes tumbling down the stairs.

    You and Merv pick it back up and together carry it past the cat.

    Merv holds the bag while you peek into Pam's room.

    "Clear," you whisper to Merv.

    The two of you carry the bag into Pam's room, giggling the whole way.

    You are about to to complete the gag by dumping  Milton on Pam's bed when suddenly you hear somebody coming.

    Merv hides under Pam's bed, and you run across the hall into Poppy's room with the trash bag.

    A moment later Poppy enters his room and sees you.

    "Hey, what the hell are you doing in my room.  There's no junk in here."

    You try to think of an excuse, but then Poppy says:

    "Well, here, give me that, I'm on my way to the town dump anyhow."

    "But-- I, uhh..."

    Poppy shakes his head at you, takes the trash bag.

    "What did you, take a crap in this bag, Brad?  This reeks."

    Poppy exits his room and heads downstairs.

    You drop your head into your hands, but then remember Merv under Pam's bed!

    You exit Poppy's room only to encounter Pam heading into her bedroom.

    "Hi, Pam!" you say loudly.

    "Don't even bother me," says Pam.

    She heads into her room.

    You grab her arm.

    "Hey, Pam, uh, look, uh, you wanna, um, go downstairs for a minute?  I, uh, think Sarah needed your help with something."

    "Nice try, Brad," says Pam.  "Sarah's at school."

    You feel a sudden pain in your crotch.  Before you even look down, Pam's foot is already retracted.

     She's that fast.

    You painfully walk downstairs.

    You walk around and look for Poppy, trying to catch him before he leaves.

    Then you hear his minivan starting up outside.

    You run out through the front door, only see Poppy's car drive off down the road.

   You decide to just head back to the basement and let things blow over.

    A few hours later you are flipping through some old issues of Hot & Fat when Merv staggers in the basement door.

    "Hey, Merv!  You all right?"

    Merv sits down next to you.

    "Never better," he says.  "Your sister sure can put out."

    "What?!" you say.  "No way!"

    You think about it for a moment.

    "No way you scored with Pam, Merv...  Did you?  ...No.  Impossible.  ...Did you?"

    Merv smiles, lies down beside you, and passes out.

    He couldn't have scored with Pam.

    Right?

    A few hours later you and Merv are snuggled up together on the basement floor asleep.

    ...

    A full day later at the town dump, a little Greek boy awakens in a trash bag, soiled in his own filth.