You walk outside, and take the back way behind the Sharon House of Pizza, and across the street to Christy's.

    You enter the store with the confidence of a superhero.

    Buddy is working the counter.

    A customer leaves and you approach Buddy.

    "Hey, Brad," says Buddy.  "What's up?"

    "Any trouble here recently?" you ask.

    "Uh, well, the copy machine's down again.  Why?"

    "No," you say, leaning over and whispering to him.  "I mean like: any crime here?"

    "Oh, yeah," says Buddy in a normal speaking voice.  "Two punk-ass kids were in here earlier.  Caught 'em trying to swipe some candy in their pants.  Took 'em out back and shook 'em up."

    "Yeah, but any dangerous crime?" you ask.

    "Well, one of the kids tried to kick me in the sack," says Buddy.

    "All right, well, I'm just gonna hang out here in case something happens."

    "Um, OK, Brad," says Buddy.  "But uh... just don't scare the customers."

    You stand over by the slurpy machine and wait for something to go down.

    An hour or so passes.

    Jerod comes in, and you think he might try something, but he uses a level seven druid spell and disappears after buying a soda and some gummi bears.

    The sun goes down, and still no crime.

    Buddy is behind the counter flipping through the current Hot & Fat magazine.  He looks over at you.

    "Brad, you still here?  ...I'm only on until midnight."

    "I'm just here keeping the peace," you say.  "Hey, can I look through one of those Hot & Fat magazines?"

    "Sorry, dude," says Buddy.  "You look, you buy.  Christy's policy."

    Another couple hours pass.

    Then Noam walks in.

    "Hey, Dad," he says.

    "Hi, Noam."

    Noam buys a six of Mountain Dew and a back-copy of Hot & Fat.

    Then suddenly the guy behind him pulls a gun on Buddy.

    "Give me all your twinkies and a Time magazine!" shouts the fat, bald robber with a thick accent.

    "Look, man," says Buddy.  "Take all the twinkies and magazines you want, but they're not back here.  They're over there."

    Buddy motions over toward the magazine racks as he uses his foot to activate the police alarm.

    "You can't fool me!"  The fat guy shakes his gun at Buddy.  "I should kill you right now.  You pressed that police alarm, didn't you?"

    The bald, fat dude puts his gun against Noam's head.

    "Get me twinkies, or this kid with the 'fro gets it!" he shouts.

    You watch the situation from behind the slurpy machine, waiting for the right time to act.

    "Hurry up!  Cops on the way!" he shouts.  "I'm not fooling with you, I'll shoot him in the head!"

    Buddy tries to reason with him:

    "Look, dude, I'm gonna walk over to the Hostess section and get you some twinkies, OK?"

    He starts to move, but the bald guy stops him:

    "No!  No!  Don't you move!" he shouts frantically.

    A police car pulls into the parking lot.

    "That's it!" he shouts.  "You all gonna die!"

    He aims his gun at Buddy, and suddenly you leap with your bionic ass, landing right between Buddy and the gun.

    The fat guy fires seven rounds into your ass as you pull Buddy down behind the counter to safety.  Then you hear another shot ring out.

    "Nooo!" you shout from the ground.  "Noam!"

    You stand up and see that both Noam and the fat dude are lying on the ground.

    Noam slowly gets up, shaken, but OK.  The bald man is bleeding badly.

    The cops rush in and subdue him.

    When he's in custody, Jon the cop speaks to you.

    "Brad," says Jon, "you saved the day.  Congratulations."

    He pats you on the shoulder briskly.

    "Thanks, Dad," says Noam.

    "But I..." you start to say.

    And then out of the corner of your eye, you see Jerod appear over by the hot chocolate dispenser.  He winks at you and then disappears again.

    "You saved my life," says Noam.  He gives you a big bear-hug.

    "I... I guess I did," you say.  "...son."

    Buddy gets up from behind the counter.

    "Hey, Brad, you all right?  I thought you took it in the ass when he pulled that trigger..."

    "Thanks for your concern, Buddy," you say.  "But I'm all right."

    You stick around Christy's for a little while to give the cops some information about what happened, and just before you make your way home, Buddy stops you and tosses you something.

    "Hot & Fat," says Buddy.  "On the house."

    You smile and nod, then head out the door.

    On your way home you pass the Sharon House of Pizza and see your old ass sitting in a discarded pizza pan out back.

    You bring it home, brush it off, take off the bionic ass, and reattatch it.

    "A life of fighting crime just isn't for me," you decide.  "Especially not if Jerod the Druid is gonna be my sidekick."

    You crawl into your favorite spot in the basement, flip through the Hot & Fat magazine Buddy gave you, and drift off to sleep.