"So, bed, what's the deal?" you ask accusingly. "Word has it you and Pam are sleeping together!"
Before the bed can respond, Pam walks into her bedroom and finds you on top of her bed, talking to it, with a diary on your head.
"What the fuck?!" she says.
Assuming she can't see you underneath the diary, you remain silent, so as not to blow your cover.
"Brad!" shouts Pam. "You have one second to get the hell out of my bedroom before your crotch starts bleeding."