"Brad!  You fucking pig!" screams Sarah.  "Are you deaf?  GET OUT NOW!"

    She hums a shampoo bottle of your head, and you are knocked unconscious.

    ...

    You come-to several hours later, still on the bathroom floor.

    It's dark outside.

    You stand up and rub the swollen bump on your head.

    Still a little hazy, you walk downstairs.  Nobody seems to be awake.

    You decide some fresh air will do you good, so you head out the back door and then lie down in the middle of the backyard.

    The cool air feels good, and your head starts to feel a little better after a while.

    You've been lying there almost an hour when you notice strange series of lights flashing on and off in the distant sky.

    At first you think it's just a plane, but as it grows nearer, the pattern of lights is unlike any plane you've ever seen.  The lights form a perfect triangle, and as the flying triangle gets closer, an annoying high pitched noise gets louder and louder.

    You decide that maybe you should call in Merv for back-up.

    You reach into your underwear and whip out your cell-phone.  You punch the auto-dial, but find that the phone has gone completely dead.

    The flying triangle spacecraft descends, and the noise becomes deafening.  It hovers some two hundred feet above you.  You're starting to think that maybe you better leave, but just then the craft shoots a focused beam of light down, surrounding you.  You are paralyzed.

    It is a strange warm light, and it feels almost wet.  The beam pulls you up toward the craft, and any struggling you tell your body to do goes unobeyed.

    You reach the threshold of the spacecraft and see a number of short strange creatures surrounding you.  They have large grey heads with giant black eyes, and as the portal closes underneath you, the creatures all move toward you.  One of them lifts a small device and holds it out at you.  Instantly you are asleep.

    ...

    Over the next several hours you wake up for brief periods of times and catch glimpses of these little aliens performing strange tests on your body.  They poke at you, stick needles into you, and jam things into every orifice on your body.

    And then when they have finished their medical examination of you, you watch as they walk over and sit on a bench.  They open a box, and pass out some Budweisers amongst themselves.  Then they remove what turns out their space helmets -- those grey things with the black lenses -- and it turns out that they're just midgets!

    They swig down a few brews, talk about the night's abductions, joke around a bit, and then put the big helmets back on, and walk back over to you.  Again one of them raises up a device and you are asleep.

    ...

    You wake up lying in the backyard, and the sun has risen.

    You walk into the house and into the dining room where people are gathered for breakfast.

    "Holy shit," says Pam.  "Brad, what's that giant contraption sticking out of your ass?"

    Woah.  You hadn't even noticed.

    "It's some sort of anal probe, I guess," you say.

    "What, did you get abducted by aliens or something?" asks Sarah.

    "Yeah," you tell them.  "And you know what?  Turns out they're all just a bunch of midgets in disguise!"

    "Damn, really?" asks Paula.

    "Yeah," you say.  "I think that kind of makes sense, though."

    "Space midgets makes sense to you?" asks Pam.

    "Yeah," you say, "I mean, I always knew Webster was of a higher intelligence."

    "Strange to think that these aliens have been living amongst us for who knows how many years..." says Paula.

    "Doesn't that probe thing kinda hurt?" asks Sarah.

    "Not really," you tell her.  "It's warm... it vibrates slightly... I'm actually getting used to it...  Hey, where's Dad this morning?"

    "I don't know," says Pam.

    "Haven't seen him," says Paula.

    Just then, Poppy walks in the front door with a giant contraption sticking out of his butt.

    ...

    You and Poppy go on to write a book together as the first-known father-son abductees.  It's called Space Midgets: a Small Oddessey.  It sells like hot cakes.

    You do the rounds on the popular talk shows, on which you are inevitably pitted against some short folks who claim to be from Earth, and accuse you of heightism.  You publicly beseech the midgets of the world to come out of the closet, admit their alien heritage, and share with us their superior knowledge and technology.  But mostly you just end up with some hostile midgets calling you names and throwing chairs around the studio.

    Your claim is bolstered, however, when Mike Edmonds, a respected member of the midget acting community, claims in fact to be from outer space.  Soon other abductees' stories begin to echo your midgets-in-disguise idea.

    Within a few weeks, the ever more tabloidy Time magazine features a cover photo of a some short people walking down a crowded city street with the headline "Aliens in Out Midst?".  Inside, their Vox Pop poll shows that 68% of Americans now believe in Space Midgets, with the highest percentage of believers being tall white males.

    The summer comes, and space midget movies dominate the silver screens, including one based on your and Poppy's book.  In the fall, two new TV shows exploit the genre: "Midget Green Men" and "Li'l Aliens" (both on the FOX network).

    Burger King brings back the Mini-Burger promotion, and Dunkin' Donuts hails the return of the Dunkin' Minnies.

    Eventually the space midget fad gets tired, and people move on with their lives, but not before you and Poppy make a heap of dough off of it.

    "Getting abducted by space midgets is the best thing that ever happened to me," says Poppy one day after purchasing Powell Camp flat out with cash.

    You invest your money in a deluxe three-story boathouse that can convert itself into a van.

    It rules.