"HELLO, ROSS," you make your ass's bionic voice say.  "I AM AN ALIEN FROM THE PLANET MORK.  TAKE ME TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

    Ross freaks.

    He runs off, breezing past you.

    You stand up, wondering where he ran off to.

    Then Katie comes to the door.

    "Brad?  ...Where'd Ross go?  And why is your underwear down?"

    "Hi, Katie.  I don't know.  And I -- hey, you dropped something."

    You bend over to pick up the Nirvana CD Katie dropped, and then...

    <<BANG!>>

    From behind you, Ross shoots you square in the bionic ass with his dad's shotgun, smashing it to pieces.

    "Ross!  You shot Brad!" yells Katie in disbelief.

    "Brad?" says Ross.  "But... I... I thought you were being attacked by an alien."

    "Ross," says Katie.  "You're so dumb."

    Katie dumps Ross that very day.

    An ambulence takes you to Norwood Hospital where they are able to remove most of the metal chunkage.  Fortunately for you, a donor ass is available, and you are back to relative normal health within a few short hours thanks to the wonders of modern laser surgery.

    You kind of miss your bionic ass, but you're pretty sure that with enough time you'll be able to train this new one to speak as well.

    Though the doctor said you were 100%, you decide to take it easy for the rest of the day.  You hang out in the basement for a few hours trying to teach your ass the alphabet.

    It seems to be able to handle vowels OK, but consonants are awful tricky.  Oh, well.  These things take time.

    You crawl into your favorite spot in the basement, curl up with your new ass, and go to sleep for the night.