"We know thee of old,
    Oh, divinely restored,
    By the light of thine eyes
    And the light of thy Sword.

    From the graves of our slain
    Shall thy valour prevail
    As we greet thee again-
    Hail, Libery, Hail!"

    As you approach the rousing chorus, the door to the meat locker opens, and six burly Greek men join together with you:

    "From Mount Olympus
    Where Zeus took a spouse
    To the Acropolis
    Where Yanni rocked the house
    I walk my homelands with my head held high
    Proud of my country, but I don't really know whyyyyyyyyyy!"

      Half of the Greeks are in tears at this point.

    Hugs are exchanged.

    They lead you out of the meat locker, and suddenly you realize that you are on a sailing ship, somewhere on the ocean.

    "Wha--?  Where the hell am I?" you ask them.

    They look at you strangely, and speak among themselves in Greek.

    Finally one of them, with very poor English, says to you:

    "Atlantic Ocean.  Welcome to Greek Navy."

    Greek Navy!

    You didn't even know they had a navy.

    Stuck on a Greek Navy boat, somewhere in the Atlantic, you adapt the best you can.  Over the next few weeks you pick up a little bit of the language.  You become the ship's cook, and are able to figure out a way to turn fish into something sort of like tofu.  At night you sing songs with the Greeks around a fire.

    One night as you are leading them through a rough version of 500 Miles by The Proclaimers, the night's campfire set the entire ship ablaze.

    Without radio equipment, the Greek Navy ship lacks the ability to call for help as it helplessly sinks into the ocean.  You and seventeen Greek men are left floating adrift in the icy waters.

    After a day and a half of floating, it is decided that one of you must sacrifice his life to feed the rest.

    You all participate in a round-robin tournament of rock-paper-scissors.  A poor chap named Yanis Illiadis loses out in the final round, and the rest of you collectively drown him, and then eat his body for much needed nourishment.

    Minutes after you have made a meal of Yanis, a passing ship spots you and the Greeks.  It takes a while to reach you, but finally a GreenPeace boat pulls up alongside you.

    They let down a ladder into the water and people start to climb up amid cheers by the GreenPeace crew.

    But just then a school of sharks appears on the scene, their dorsal fins criss-crossing between you and the still floating Greeks.

    Fortunately these sharks are members of the school of Ming-Po, a non-violent, vegetarian sect of sharks.  Although no one is bitten, the sharks scare one of the Greeks so bad he screams in terror.  The GreenPeace crew freaks out and starts mowing down the sharks with mounted machine guns on the side of their vessel.

    When the guns and shrieking stops, only you and five of the Greeks are left.  You all climb aboard the GreenPeace ship.  But you soon find out that this ship has been taken over by WACS (White American Cannibals at Sea).  The skeletons of the original crew are strewn about the ship.

    The CoMA crew ties up you and the Greeks.  Over the next six days the crew of the ship cuts up one of their prisoners each day, cooking him and consuming him -- except on Wednesday when Valnos, the fattest among you, lasts two days.  On the following Saturday, you are the only prisoner left, and the crew looks hungry.

    But just before noontime, the boat lands at a dock in Rhode Island.  You tell the CoMA guys about a great steak shop in Providence, and they decide to go there instead of eating you.  In fact, they bring you along, and together you have a hearty meal.

    When it's over, they give you a lift back to Sharon.

    You walk in the front door of Poppy's house after a two month absence.

    "Holy shit," says Sarah.  "Brad, you lost about 30 lbs!  What the hell happened to you?"

    "I stopped being a vegetarian," you tell her, and walk on.

    "Jesus, Brad, put some clothes on!" shouts Poppy as you pass the living room.

    You ignore him and head into the kitchen.

    There's a cooked turkey on top of the stove.  You take it and walk downstairs to the basement.

    You munch on the turkey as you walk over to your favorite spot in the basement, and curl up in a ball.

    Holding the turkey in your arms, you drift off to a much needed sleep.