It looks kind of like your van.

    It feels pretty much like your van.

    It smells just like your van.

    What's going on here?

    You are continuing to look the van over and ponder the situation, when suddenly...

    "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!" sings a choir of extremely loud and out-of-tune singers from behind you.  It scares the bajeezus out of you.  "HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

    You turn around to see Merv, Milty, Sandy, and Buddy from Christy's all singing, and each with a bucket of paint in his hand.

    "...HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR BRAAAAAD!  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!"

    "How do you like it?" asks Sandy.

    "Hunh?" you say confusedly.

     "We painted your van all psychedelic, dude!" shouts Merv.

    "Woah," you say.  "That's my van?"

    "I told you he wasn't gonna like it," says Buddy.

    "No, no..." you say, looking over their work.  "It... it's beautiful."

    Wow.  Your friends gathered together to do something really special for you.  You get a little teary-eyed.

    Sandy comes over and hugs you.

    "You really like it?" she asks.

    "And how," you say.  "C'mon, everybody, let's go cruise in my new psychedelic van!"

    Everybody piles into the van.

    "OK," you say when they've all settled in.  "Where should we go?"

    There's a pause, and then little Milty shouts:

    "Pizza!"

    "Yeah," says Merv.  "I could go for a pizza.  How 'bout you, Buddy?"

    "Cool," says Buddy.

    "All right," you say.

    You pull out of the driveway and drive around the block and park in front of the Sharon House of Pizza.

    As you're getting out of the van, someone in a passing car shouts:

    "Hey, man, is that Freedom Rock?"

    You give him the thumbs up signal and smile.

    You walk into the Sharon House of Pizza and...

    "SURPRISE!"

    Wow!  It's your whole family!  Poppy, Paula, Stephen, Lucia and Bob, BOOG and Deborah, Ghandi, Becky, Sean, Brendan, Sarah, and Noam are all crowded into the festively-decorated restaurant.

    Another round of Happy Birthday is sung, and a giant tofu pizza is brought out on a platter by Eva Papamagaritus.

    Then some other normal pizzas are brought out for everybody else, and Fries & Fro's provides buckets of fries for all.

    As everybody eats, individuals present you with their gifts.

    "Happy birthday, Brad," says Poppy.  He hands you his corn-cob pipe.

    "Wow... thanks, Dad," you say.

    He gives you a hug.

    Lucia comes up to you with something large behind her back.

    "Happy birthday, Brad!" she says.  Then she displays for you a watercolor painting she's done of your hairy ass.

    "Lucia..." you say.  "That's really nice... thanks."

    Next comes Paula.  She hands you a large pink crystal.

    "Happy birthday, Bradford," she says.  "That's your birthstone, Frodomite.  It will bring you protection."

    "Thanks, Paula," you say.  You put the stone down the front of your underwear.

    "Happy birthday, Brad," says Pam.  "I've choreographed a dance for you.  Here's Sarah, Katie, and Anna performing 500 Miles by The Proclaimers."

    Right on cue, the music starts, and Sarah, Katie, and Anna walk in the door to the restaurant and do some really good synchronized dance moves to your favorite song of all time.

    About halfway through, Becky walks in the restaurant clad only in a bikini, and does her best ballerina moves.

    By the end of the song, most everybody is dancing and having a good time, and there is much applause as the song fades out.

    Your nephews Sean and Brendan approach you next.

    "Happy birthday, Brad," they say together.

    Sean hands you a collection of psychedelic air fresheners for your van.

    Brendan hands you a floppy disk labeled "Brad: the game".

    Then Noam grabs you from behind with a big bear-hug.

    "Happy birthday, Dad!" he shouts.

    He hands you a big zip-lock bag of inubrius.

    "Hey, thanks, Noam," you say.

    Next, Deborah drags out her harp, and BOOG starts playing some bongos.

    Then Stephen grabs a microphone and sits on a small stool, and sings "Candle in the Wind" with new specially rewritten lyrics for your birthday.

    It's not very good, but they tried, and you applaud with everybody else, and thank them very much.

    Then a silhouetted figure appears at the restaurant door.

    The restaurant suddenly becomes deathly quiet, as the door opens to reveal the yellow slicker clad Uncle Bud.

    He steps in the door and walks between the the crowd of people, making his way right up to you.

    "Brad," he says solemnly.  "Happy birthday."

    He hands you a 5 pound package of Gorton Fishsticks, slaps you on the shoulder, and walks out.

    Just after Bud leaves, Merv runs out from the behind the counter.

    "Hey, everybody, listen!" he shouts.  "I just got a fax from Hollywood!"

    Everybody gathers around to hear Merv.

    "Dear Brad (stop).  Just received news it's your birthday (stop).  Sorry I can't be there with you guys, but I'm hard at work on my new film with Ed Asner: Cop and a Half II: The Next Day (stop).  Boo-ya!  And happy birthday!  -Webster."

    Everyone cheers and spontaneously breaks out into a rousing a cappella version of 500 Miles.

    Everyone wishes you a final happy birthday as they all file out.  As he's leaving, Buddy pulls you aside for a second.

    "Here, Brad," he says, handing you the latest issue of Hot & Fat.  "I got you this just in case you didn't like the paint job on the van."

    "Thanks, Buddy," you say.  "Thanks."

    You drive home in your newly painted van, and then head down into the basement.

    You stuff some of the left over tofu from the pizza in the corn-cob pipe and light it up.  You cough a bit at first, but you're pretty sure you'll get the hang of it eventually.

    You crawl over into your favorite spot, and curl up to sleep.

    Then as you're laying there, you see a wrapped gift lying right by your head.

    Curious, you pull off the bow and all the wrapping.

    What you uncover is a crude hand-drawn picture of you and Pam.  And between you, a young boy with a brown paper bag over his head.  It's signed: "love, Sammy".

    You smile and put the picture where you can see it as you drift off to sleep, contented.  People really like you, Brad.